Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
time to smoke my breakfast
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
