batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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