I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
