new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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