problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
