Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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