So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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