____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
