I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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