you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am available for nakedness
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
