Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize