yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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