Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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