I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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