Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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