I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
