So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize