Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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