haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
