Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
