i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
