The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
