$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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