i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
