He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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