put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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