I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
