i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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