If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
