There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize