i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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