It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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