thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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