you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
