apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
