i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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