I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize