I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
