That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He passed out mid-signature
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
