I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
