Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
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