Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize