We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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