The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
