nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize