And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
