Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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