Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
