Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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