She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
