You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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