He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize