it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
