im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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